Mixed Feelings on Going Home?
Im going home really soon. Incredibly freaking soon. Actually, as youre reading this I am most likely suspended in mid-air somewhere over the Pacific Ocean between Beijing and Vancouver.
Hooray! Right? Sort of? I dont know.
For the past couple of weeks Ive been vacillating wildly from super excitement to abject fear. Ill see a picture of a hamburger online, you know a real thick juicy one, and I cant wait to get home and order one myself. Then Ill think about all of the responsibilities that come with being home, the idea of having to explain to a hundred and one people what Im doing with my life, and I want nothing more than to run away forever. Then, in the middle of the night Ill wake up and, just for a moment, think Im in my childhood bedroom, and then the home sickness comes flooding in.
I think its safe to say Im confused. And my confusion has onion-like layers to it:
On the surface Im pretty psyched to head back to the states! Ive been in East Asia for the better half of 9 months, and well, Im pretty Asia-ed out. Dont get me wrong- Asia is still cool, and there is a lot I still havent see and long to return to, but for now, Im ready to retire my chopsticks. If you follow me on twitter or facebook youll keep hearing me say how I miss cheese, and while thats mainly me just complaining, its also symbolic of a lot of things I miss about home that cant be found in China. Cupcakes! Fresh air! Babies wearing pants!
Part of me is afraid though. For the past 9 months Ive been living a life that is truly and authentically me. I have been free of all of those historical restraints, of the person I once was. Will that all fade away when I get home? What if I forget who I am and all the things Ive been working for? What if I fall back into “normal” life?
I think anyone who has been abroad, or even just away from home for a long period of time can understand this. I remember having the same tugging misgivings when I came home from college for the first time. The very fact that I have that fear makes me think I will probably do anything necessary to make sure that doesnt happen, but the feat is still there.
Deep down below that is another primal truth: I miss home. I miss my family; a part of me feels terrible for missing out on all of their joys and sorrows over the past 9 months. I miss my cat, and my bed, and the other night I felt a deep and desperate longing for my old teddy bear. I realize thats probably not the most evolved emotion, but there it is.
Ultimately though, Im confident in my decision to head home. Going through my trip photos the other morning, I started to feel really amazed. You kind of forget when youre living your life day to day, but Ive done a LOT since September that Im really proud of. I really do think that a rest is what is needed right now. The fact that its only temporary, a break before I start other projects (some of which you guys dont even know about yet!), is comforting as well. Im going home, but Im still moving forward.
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